Scott Toilet Paper And Human Values

By: STINKFIST

Remember Beta tapes? Remember horse-pulled wagons? Yeah, me neither.

Well, I do remember Beta tapes, but fuck it, you get my point.

Can you fucking believe that Scott Toilet Paper is still being sold in the world? Let me get this straight… you want me to take something you can see through - yet has the texture of sandpaper - and repeatedly wipe my tender anus with it?! Get the fuck outta here!

1. How do they make it so thin? I would assume any user needs to fold quite a long pull of the stuff in half at least 8 times so that your hand doesn’t break through mid-wipe. Yeah, that would be SHITTY -- HA!

2. How do they make it so stiff and rigid? I would honestly rather wipe my ass with a pair of 40-year old corduroy pants. I’m guessing you could paper-cut the tip of your index finger clean off with the right amount of force and a good angle. How can this be called “toilet paper”?

Ok, let’s forgive Scott for continuing to produce this product. The fault therein lies with the sad sacks who continue to purchase this product. If it wasn’t for them, this shit wouldn’t be around anymore.

Let’s start out by giving the homeless and the sick-ass-fucking poor a pass on this. Honestly, if that’s all you can afford, good for you for maintaining some anal hygiene.

That’s my point here. What gets to me are the fuckers who buy this shit AND a Super Grande Mocha Caramel Fuck Coffee every day! So you’re telling me that you’re such a tight ass (no pun intended) that you would subject your asshole to this repeated abuse just to save a couple bucks every couple weeks?! I’m sorry, but I only get one asshole in this life, and I’d like to treat it with a certain amount of respect.

Bottom line... How can one value a dollar more than their own asshole? I guess I just don’t get it.

Peace
 

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